Say What?

Today uses a repeat of my last post's text to point out something else. (MavFan has been kind enough to let me do this to her Star Trek: Voyager fan fiction story "Collective Freedom?") This excerpt is still from the opening of the story.

The background to this is Icheb knew Naomi while growing up; they were both on the starship Voyager when it was stranded for seven years far away from home. Icheb is now a commanding officer of a starship, and he encouraged his captain to take Naomi aboard, since he'd known she'd be a good officer. Unfortunately, it's very shortly after they meet again that they realize their emotions for each other aren't precisely platonic, and Captain Dax is furious at apparently being "tricked" into bringing her commanding officer's girlfriend aboard.

After a pleasant dinner with Doctor Franklin, Icheb and Naomi adjourned to Icheb’s quarters to discuss strategy for tomorrow’s meeting with Captain Dax.

“Icheb, how much trouble do you think we are in?”

“I have no idea. I have never been the direct subject of Captain Dax’s ire before. However, from my observation as well as stories I’ve heard, she can be quite acerbic on occasion.”

“Do you think this will be such an occasion?”

They were sitting side by side on Icheb’s couch and before he answered, he put his arm around Naomi and pulled her head onto his shoulder, “I’m afraid so.”

“What are we going to do?”

“That depends. Mostly I think the Captain will be letting us know what we can and can’t do, should and shouldn’t do. Perhaps it would be best if I answer any direct questions from her.”

“I suppose so, as long as she doesn’t get the impression I have nothing to say about this.”

“Well, that isn’t the impression I am trying to convey. I just think since she has known me longer and I am the ranking officer, I should do most, not all, of the talking.”

The problem I'll be focusing on, today: dialogue. Before you panic, no, I'm not talking about dialectic dialogue (writing dialect in dialogue). I am talking about writing dialogue that doesn't sound like the characters are artificial cardboard cutouts. Read that dialogue up above aloud, and I know I get images of a formal tea party in the wrong era.

That vocabulary issue I mentioned before comes into play, here. Listen to the words people use when speaking; most often, it's the roundabout vague terms that are said and not the ones appearing on school vocabulary tests. Now, Icheb spent awhile as a sort-of machine (aka Borg), so he can be excused if he often uses advanced language (though that he's missing the "brain" part of his Borg "anatomy" should also be taken into account). Naomi is also highly intelligent, so she can likewise use it sometimes.

So it's not the vocabulary itself that sounds "wrong," but it's how it's used. Notice all the complete sentences in the excerpt. How often does that happen? Tape record any conversation, and it'll be full with sentence fragments, interruptions, pauses, and repetitions. Written dialogue needs to catch the feel for that (usually barring repetition).

The best way to explain this is to demonstrate it. I've taken most of the excerpt from above and adjusted the dialogue a bit. (I've also added a few dialogue tags to keep it known who was talking.)

“Are we in much trouble?” Naomi asked.

“I don't know. She's never been mad at me before. From observation and hearsay I understand she can be quite acerbic.”

“Think tomorrow will be one of those times?”

They were sitting side by side on Icheb’s couch, and before he answered, he put his arm around Naomi and pulled her head onto his shoulder. “I’m afraid so.”

“What are we going to do?”

“That depends. Mostly I think the Captain will be setting boundaries for us. Perhaps I should answer any direct questions from her.”

“I guess.” Naomi frowned. "But that makes it seem like I have nothing to say."

Icheb shook his head. “I am the ranking officer. And Captain Dax has known me longer.”

Is that the best example? Probably not. I don't write these two, myself, and I honestly still have trouble with the idea of Ezri Dax (a Star Trek: Deep Space Nine character) being a captain. But I hope it gets my point across.

What's the best way to learn to write better dialogue? Listen to yourself and others speak; read the dialogue aloud after you write it. If it sounds awkward, it is. (And tongue-twisters are a good sign of confusing writing.)

I understand that some writers expose themselves to different types of speech by eavesdropping in coffee shops. I stick to paying attention to conversations involving me, myself. (Downside to that means you're stuck with dialogue forms that you're already exposed to, which tends to be limited to your own demographic.) Pay attention, learn, practice. It's like that for all points of writing.