...Where Were We?

Today, we'll be looking at the opening of MavFan's fan fiction story "Collective Freedom?" The story is written in the Star Trek: Voyager fandom, so Paramount owns the characters and settings and MavFan owns what she's done with them.

This excerpt is a bit longer than the last one I used. Because this is the beginning of this story, I won't give any background.

After a pleasant dinner with Doctor Franklin, Icheb and Naomi adjourned to Icheb’s quarters to discuss strategy for tomorrow’s meeting with Captain Dax.

“Icheb, how much trouble do you think we are in?”

“I have no idea. I have never been the direct subject of Captain Dax’s ire before. However, from my observation as well as stories I’ve heard, she can be quite acerbic on occasion.”

“Do you think this will be such an occasion?”

They were sitting side by side on Icheb’s couch and before he answered, he put his arm around Naomi and pulled her head onto his shoulder, “I’m afraid so.”

“What are we going to do?”

“That depends. Mostly I think the Captain will be letting us know what we can and can’t do, should and shouldn’t do. Perhaps it would be best if I answer any direct questions from her.”

“I suppose so, as long as she doesn’t get the impression I have nothing to say about this.”

“Well, that isn’t the impression I am trying to convey. I just think since she has known me longer and I am the ranking officer, I should do most, not all, of the talking.”

The first problem with this is the opening line. This is written as a sequel, but it reads as if this first chapter should be the next of "Reporting for Duty." If the reader hasn't read "Reporting for Duty, there is no way whatsoever for him to jump in and really enjoy this. There's no sense of who the characters are, the setting, their relationship to each other; nothing. If you're not familiar with Star Trek: Voyager, you're hopelessly lost, and even if you are, you're still probably scratching your head. (A question that keeps occurring to me is, isn't he umpteen years her senior? I mean, I know Naomi was maturing twice as fast as was usual for a child because she's only half human, and Icheb isn't human at all, but still…) MavFan hasn't set up her setting and apparently expects readers of "Collective Freedom?" to be limited to "Reporting for Duty"s readers.

Questions that could or should be answered include who Doctor Franklin is; why the twosome have to "discuss strategy;" who the twosome are, precisely; what's the big deal about them having a meeting with Captain Dax; what ship are they on; what's the problem at hand; and so forth.

Then there's the vocabulary of the first line. "Icheb and Naomi adjourned to Icheb’s quarters" doesn't mesh. Adjourned is more formal and gives this completely the wrong tone, here, as well as making the reader fear this is going to be one of those thesaurus-happy writers. A staff meeting could "adjourn;" two off-duty officers probably aren't walking formally as they head to the guy's quarters.

There's also the problem I mentioned previously, about all the talking with no action. But notice a few lines down where it adds in that "They were sitting side by side on Icheb's couch." If they've been cozy or even sitting beside each other this entire time, that's something that needs to go at the top before we hear them conversing.

Story openings, even for sequels, need to work so people can come to them cold and not be completely bewildered. And though vocabulary can be a good thing, writers have to be careful where they put it in their writings. Words have connotative meanings that aren't necessarily in the dictionary, and the writer who uses more than an occassional vocabulary word risks alienating many readers.

P.S. "They were sitting side by side on Icheb’s couch and before he answered, he put his arm around Naomi and pulled her head onto his shoulder, 'I’m afraid so'" should be "They were sitting side by side on Icheb’s couch, and before he answered, he put his arm around Naomi and pulled her head onto his shoulder. 'I’m afraid so'" Watch the grammar! Commas come before the conjunction in compound sentences, and commas don't link speech to a sentence unless the sentence concerns how the spoken element was said.