Lawn Mower Mouth

As I said yesterday, the text for workshop is taken directly from MavFan's fan fiction story "Collective Freedom?" In other words, I don't own the workshop text, and even the writer doesn't own the world she's using, in flattery of Star Trek: Voyager.

Requisite disclaimer cared for, let's get to business. The following bit comes from the beginning of chapter fifteen, where two people who watched Naomi grow from infancy and helped raise Icheb (a boy they found when a teen) have to face the fact that the "kids" they knew are now old enough to be going out. Together.

Chakotay and the Voyager’s EMH were sitting in Chakotay’s ready room.

. . . .

Chakotay asked, “What do you think of this new romance between Icheb and Naomi Wildman?”

“It’s sweet isn’t it? Of course, it too, is disturbing. Emotionally, I just can’t make myself believe little Naomi is old enough to be in a romantic relationship. Logically, however, I know she is old enough.”

“I’m not at all surprised about it. Of course, I can’t go into any further detail, temporal prime directive.” This pronouncement was accompanied by a mischievous smile.

Ellipses indicate deleted section that includes first half of the "Chakotay asked" sentence. Nothing pertinent has been cut.

Pretty much the whole story runs like this. The immediate problem—besides "the Voyager's EMH" being a bad grammatical construction that needs either the or 's cut—is all the moving mouths. Far too heavy on the dialogue, here. What else is moving?

Okay, so the Doctor (the EMH guy) and Chakotay "were sitting in Chakotay’s ready room." What were they doing while sitting? Was Chakotay having some coffee (since the Doctor can't eat)? Were they going over reports? If nothing's in their hands, why were they sitting there? To relax after being on their feet all day? There's usually a reason two people sit and chat.

People don't sit still while talking. They move. Fiddle, sprawl, stretch, pop knuckles—pay attention to actions next time you're having a conversation with someone, especially ones that aren't pertinent to the conversation. Jot them down as soon as it's polite. There's your fodder next time you're writing conversation.

If you can't think of something for your characters to be doing while talking, cut! The scene's worthless! Use indirect description, or have it referred to, later. The example scene could vanish into a line next time one of those characters were in a "keeper" scene that brought up the Naomi/Icheb topic: Chakotay could say when someone else brings up the topic, "Yeah, Doc said the same thing."

…I don't remember if Chakotay would say "Doc." I'm getting images of Lt. Paris with that line. Anyway, I think I've gotten my point across: characters act while talking. If you can't make 'em do something during the conversation, then that conversation ain't doing nothing, either. (Yes, I intended that.)

Helpful?

Note: The "Lawn Mower Mouth" that I used as a title was actually a friend's nickname for me in second grade. Guess why.